Wag of the week: Michaela

It's Friday and the day is long. Time for a wag? Absolutely. Our girl this week is Michaela Henderson -Thynne (former) girlfriend of Can I Kick It's Stewart Downing. Like most girls with double-barrelled name she's a bit of a boff too, with five A levels in biology, psychology, history, RE and critical thinking to her name. She's now studying Law at Newcastle University and wants to be a criminal case barrister. Luckily for us she occasionally takes time out from her studies to hang around swimming pools drinking lemonade from plastic cups while sneaky Geordies spy on her from behind their newspapers.

"They think it's all over"...

Funny how the premiership bares an uncanny resemble to the top of our very own A Liga. Like Man U, the Tarts were fleetingly top this week, only to be trumped by Chelsea and the Dinos by a seagull’s penis of a margin. The obvious difference being that Chelsea weren’t given a brand new midfield (+ Kenwyn Jones) at the last minute but more on that scandal after the table:

Much like seeing an ex-girlfiend with an infinitely more handsome, and probably much better hung, version of you on facebook- so does it hurt to see a former PTG player put in a fantasy player of the week performance. With a place in the starting lineup and a hat-trick of poacher goals for former Titties man, Solomon Kalou- it would appear Jem has a far more impressive and meatier bulge than me. No doubt that explains the Speedos. In somewhat related news: despite being informed by the wife that “you can see your willy” I chose to wear a pair of old, rather tight Arsenal shorts to the gym on Saturday and then to do a bit of shopping after. Walking past Bertonis on Darling, a burly gorilla of a man on a milkcrate took it upon himself to point straight at my crotch and exclaim (a little too theatrically I felt) “bit cold today is it, mate?”. I covered my modesty with a baguette and fled, but I digress. Nani, Scott Parker, Lampard and Dindane were the other contenders this weekend. Does anyone even have Dindane? No doubt Pome Power will pick him up next.

Ok, on to the scandal. Forget the Melbourne Storm, the real controversy this week was in the PTG. The Wangs put in a bid for the highest ranked, but injured, Fabregas in a bold piece of player protection. But who did he give up in return? Only half his bloody team:

Nasri

Scott Parker

Nigel de Jong

Adam Johnson

Kenwyn Jones

Quite how this only got 3 protests I’ll never know. But it seems we can now call time on first place. Congratulations Dinosaur Athletic. Fight amongst yourselves for what’s left. But don’t fight amongst yourself for the “superstars” let go by the Dinos to accommodate this influx of former Wangs. Because there are none. Jordan Henderson and Craig Fagan aren’t exactly fantasy gold, Jon Obi Mikel is done for the season and Eduardo has been about as deadly as a baked potato in front of goal all year.

Still, like the premiership title itself, it looks like we’ll have to wait to the very last weekend to see how this one pans out. Are we all still coming together in real life for this one? I hope so. Robbie may have some explaining to do with the Tarts, but at least that alleged payoff will cover the first round and maybe a couple of bags of crisps. Allegedly. Cheers to the Wangs!

Shooting early

I may have metaphorically blown my load a tad early the other week when I claimed victory over all you hapless PTG peons. It's certainly not the first time I've suffered the premature blues and I'm sure it won't be the last but this is definitely the first time it's ever happened with my little brother riding up my back.

That's right Toiletduck's 15 point stiffy has shrunk to a six point semi as Semi Hard FC continues to capitalise on his trade whore status and perceptive free trade pickups. A quick tally of remaining positions shows Semi to have the edge (about 1000 more positions left to play than the Duck) so dreams of a first place finish for Toiletduck are looking limper than ever.

Elsewhere on the table Brown's I am the best I will win has continued its meteoric rise to 9th place, while Stevie G's Bowl Cut has a firm hold of the lucky placed 6th spot. The Bowl Cut has made some good ground in recent weeks and must now be asking himself whether the $50 prize is worth staying in the lower leagues of the PTG universe or whether he should push for a promotion spot. Only time will tell.

PS A big fuck you to all the Inter Milan fans.

Wag of the week: Olalla

Dinosaur Athletic's title charge took a knock this weekend when it was officially confirmed that Fernando José Torres Sanz will miss the rest of the season (and possibly the world cup) to undergo a little knee surgery. Bummer for Liverpool fans, Spanish people and Jackson Gothe-Snape. But perhaps not a complete bummer for El Niño himself who has the alluring Olalla to fetch him the frozen peas and deep heat...

For the purposes of clarification she is the one on the far right. But you’d be forgiven if, after a few sangrias, you took home the topless blonde with the nice legs.

Musical Chairs

Good afternoon and thanks for tuning in to YobosFM. You just heard Nelly’s I am Number One as requested by the Dinos, followed by Linkin Park’s Right Behind You from the Tarts. Next up, we’ve got The Strokes with Hard To Explain for top 3 newcomers ,the Wangs, and Sisquo’s Thong Song for our Speedo-happy Kick Its. At number 5 this week, it's the Slippers with that Pet Shop Boys classic, What Have I Done To Deserve This? But first, the table…




It’s hard to hear the announcement of Fantasy player of the week over the Boooooooos from Arsene Titties but take a bow Charles N’Zogbia. Not only did you contribute 1/3 of Wigan’s 19 attempts against arsenal, but you ruined Fabianski’s birthday with your corner and killed off the gunner’s already faint hopes with your ridiculous last minute strike. Well done. I hate you. Even louder booooos for Tony Danza keeper Gomes for giving Man United hope with saves against Malouda, Lampard and Drogba and for your three annoying saves against the Arse midweek. Booooo. I hope you get set upon by wildebeests during your summer holidays.

Continuing our musical theme, I would like to dedicate The Specials Too Much, Too Young to myself. I hinted at it before, but the moment is finally here. I have 0 remaining starts for CB and CM. Bad news for me. Good news for you. Fancy a little Titus Bramble in your side, a little Alex injection or even some Matthew Upson at the back? Let me know. You can have them all for one decent LM- which appears to be the only position I have an abundance of. Keep me posted. I'm in no rush.

Looks like Pome Power is sitting pretty in that lucky spot. Seemingly by recruiting as many mediocre players as he can get his hands on (Sylvestre, Fabianski, Ronald Zubar?) But for how much longer can you keep it up, Craig? Over-perform over the next few games and the Titties will happily take that $100 off you, under-perform and the New Faces will instead - while sending you crashing head first into the league below. The choice…is yours.

Goin' where those chilly winds don't blow

Like winter in Reykjavik or Jamie O’Hara’s fiancés vagina, the top of A Liga can be a notoriously cold and fickle place. Just ask Gem. Clad in his finest Speedo last month, his Kick Its flirted with the number one spot for a brief spell. But in the space of just one weekend, those fickle chilly Reykjavik winds blew through our league, knocking old Gem (inappropriately dressed for a winter climate) down from second to fifth. Let that be a warning, boys. Here’s the table….

Player of the week? Let’s say Pome Power's Paul Robinson for keeping out a Rooney-less Man Utd. Here’s a self portrait of everyone but Blake’s favourite keeper this week.

Uncanny! No time for any more updates today. What with the work and the whatnot. I hate the whatnot especially. But I’ll leave you with a quote from the soccernet report of the Man Utd Vs Blackburn game that may or may not accuse England’s new captain of groping his teammate…

Not for the first time recently, Dimitar Berbatov was a major disappointment and the fact Rio Ferdinand was feeling his groin towards the end suggested a problem Fabio Capello will not want.

Wags of the week: Abbey & Bethaney

Wags. Completely naked wags. In painted on bikinis and football shirts? Thank you 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition and your "Bodypainting: Soccer Wags" special. Thank you very much.

So this week we have a cheeky wag double up. Say hello to Abbey and Bethaney (wags of Pome Power pretty boy, Peter Crouch, and Arsene Titties' Clint Dempsey) pictured here with absolutely no clothes on and representing England and USA respectively.

You have to admire the ladies'... patriotism.

Abbey:

Bethaney:

Go here for all the photos and videos. Videos? Yes, just don't watch them at work. Or at least not if you work for Macquarie bank and they happen to be filming a financial update in your office. Ok Quentin? http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010_swimsuit/painting/