Wag of the week: Krystell

Our last wag for the 09/10 season is more like six degrees of wag. Because our girl this week ,Krystell, is actually best of friends with my brother's pregnant girlfriend. I was chatting to him about the stress and expense of keeping a girlfriend "in furs"(it's harder for him because he's got two) and he said:

George: It don't help that her best mate is married to a footballer.

Richard: Who?

George: Steve.

Richard: Steve who?

George: Steve Sidwell.

Richard: What, the Villa player?

George: I don't know.

Richard: Is he ginger?

George: Yeah, he's a cunt!

So there you go. Krystell was actually voted the "nation's favourite footballer's wife" having won an English reality TV show called Wags Boutique. Impressively she beat off stiff competition, including the likes of Michael Essien, Kevin Phillips, Jermain Defoe and Bobby Zamora's wags! Here's a photo (from footballtalentspotter.com):

And here's another (from the Daily Mail) to remind you that out-of-favour Steve looks a bit like a bad actor playing a nazi.

To add to our six degrees of Steven Sidwell theme, here's a slightly spurious story from the newly promoted Toilet Duck:

"One of my mate's uncle's died recently - he was a bit of a loner but loved crystal palace bla bla. Anyway, at his funeral in england Steve Sidwell turned up, as did a hit load of palace players. Turned out my mate's uncle used to mentor heaps of them and help them train etc etc when they were younger".

But wait! It doesn't stop there! Steve Sidwell's brother, Lee Sidwell, is also a footballer. Lee played for AFC Wimbledon during the 2002–03 campaign, their inaugural season in the Combined Counties Football League Division One, and also won the award for Player of the Year during that season. He left the club in September 2004 to join Whyteleafe FC. Whyteleafe was the first "professional" pitch I ever played on and was just 3 minutes from my old house near Whyteleafe South train station. I also went to Whyteleafe school and played left back on Saturday mornings. True story. Not very interesting. But true.

First the worst, second the best...

Yeah so what - first is overrated.

Just ask Chelsea how hollow their 8-0 victory to clinch the EPL premiership was. And anyway, I'm still better than Semi Hard at real football, and I have a girlfriend and I'm not being evicted from my apartment. Oh and seeing as no one has yet paid entry fees it's looking like the prize money totals a big fat donut. So who really wins in the end?

So Semi Hard clinched the title while I was busy writing my gracious winner's speech and building my new trophy cabinet. Both are in the bin now. At least I'll have another shot next season in the illustrious A Liga to bring Semi back down to size and show the other pretenders the might of my impact substitutions and poor forward selection.

Joining Semi and I in the big leagues will be Uni Slackers, Carew-free zone and Barearsalona. Congratulations on a season marked by zero trades and little movement on the table - you are all destined for big things next season.

Staying put are the rest - so say welcome to your new competitors; Got a new face, the jerry babies, tony danza, Sweden and WOLVERINES. Special mention goes out to Stevie G's Bowl Cut for sticking it out for the imaginary $50 lucky position prize in 6th place instead of trying to get promoted to A Liga for next season. His unambitious footballing tactics also cost him $100 to Semi for failing to win a pre-season wager. What can't Semi win at the moment?


Stay tuned for a possible World Cup edition and cheers for the season!

Image from greenleaf

No time for losers

PTG took it's sweet, sweet time this morning but the results are finally in. And the winner is...Dinosaur Athletic.

Or is it? 99.5? Can anybody remember what we agreed to do if we had a tie? Could the Custard Tarts snatch a victory like Drogba trying to take a penalty? We'll have to check the rule book. One thing is for certain is that Velvet Slippers takes third and a tasty $100, as does lucky place getter, Pome Power FC. Can I Kick It, Arsene Titties and the wandering wangs leave with nothing but their pride and the knowledge that they live to fight another day in the top flight. The same cannot be said for these unfortunate souls...

So farewell, Got a new face, the jerry babies, tony danza, Sweden and WOLVERINES. It's been a pleasure. You fought valiantly. Now it's up to Mitch to let us know who is getting promoted from Serious B. That's if you pick yourself up from that final day shock and your premature jubilation.

The end is nigh

The end is in sight. And everybody has lost their minds like they’re in a disaster movie of some description. Managers short of positions have dumped their star players and desperate rivals have hurriedly snapped them up in the manner of virgins hoping to get one away before the meteor hits. Midweek games pounded the table, edging the Dinosaurs up 4.5 points on our second place Tarts, boosting the Slippers up by ten points and unceremoniously dumping the Wangs out of the top 5. Here’s how it’s all looking going into the last day.

Anyone bold enough to make predictions for how this will end? Have the Dinos got the stamina? Can the Tarts trump them at the last hurdle, could the Slippers defy all odds and clock up another ten pointer or does Sweden have it in them for one last shot at glory? It's not impossible, Henrik. Just a cheeky seventy pointer.

Personally I think it'll come down to the old “Remaining Starts By Positions”. I’ve made no secret that the Titties only have 3 spots left for Sunday, and one can only assume the hole where Robbie’s midfield used to be accounts for the Wangs’ recent slump. Has a similar fate befallen the Kick Its who seem to have been treading water for a while now. Can’t speak for the Tarts but based on the new blood recruited from the Wangs, I’m pretty sure that the Dinos are playing with a full deck. I know the Slippers are too. Because they told me. “ I’ve a full compliment to field this weekend” said Dave, amongst a barrage of emails about penis tattoos, playground bully tactics and telling me my girlfriend smells like tacos.

The other deciding factor is all those last minute freebies. With almost zero starting positions the Titties had a carboot sale this week. The Kick Its have already snapped up Antonio Valencia, the Tarts have Zabeleta on the way and Diaby, Maxi, and Defoe are all pending for the Slippies. Still time to protest these, lads. Meanwhile the Tarts have called on the seemingly “safe” Pome Power to give up Kygiakos, Adebayor, Silvestre (haha) and bad-kid-from-ToyStory-lookalike, Gareth Bale. Still time to protest that one too. So far only 1 vote against! Titties still have Barry and Fulop available. Any takers? Yours if you want them.

And finally, who is keen to forego productivity at work on Monday and watch the final weekend unfold live? Unfortunately it’s all too much for Mitch who has pulled out, so we’ll need to find another suitable venue/pub. Interested parties hit up Jackson or myself on the mobile before Sunday. Failing that, there’s always the FA Cup and Jackson’s TBA Yobos for Evra Awards night ceremony. Until then, all the best, good luck, happy birthday to Mitch tomorrow and fuck you Sp*rs. Come on Burnley!

Wags of the week: Vanesa Vs. Imogen

Wow Mitch! Thanks for your Vanity Fair post. Personally, I expected more from Drogba (he's no Dion Dublin). Can only assume he's a grower and not a shower. But back to the matter at hand. Wags.
Since tonight is the big City Vs Spurs fourth place decider (come on City!), I thought it only fair to have ourselves a good old fashioned "wag-off". So without further ado, we have Vanesa Mansillo, wife of Kick It's Argentian troll, Carlos Tevez. She's in the sky blue corner fighting against (Titties man) Jermain Defoe's missus Imogen Thomas in white. Gloves on. Fight!



And the winner is.......... a draw?

Sorry Tevez, but Vanesa looks like you in a dress. And poor Imogen, as pretty as she might be, looks like she failed to get to the dry cleaners before they closed. And, if we're being perfectly honest, could probably benefit from a situp or two. Still, her choice of attire certainly seems to have caught Carlos' attention.

"¿Qué? ¡Chaqueta agradable! Let's get you a leather jacket, Vanesa. Si?"

Come on City!

Granny pants.

This is much worse than getting egg on your face. This is a backfire of monumental proportions, the whole of my metaphorical load coating me from head to toe, if you please. A few weeks ago my 15 point lead looked insurmountable. It's now down to 0.5 points and with one game left it's going to take a miracle for me to hold on against the onslaught of Semi's charge to the top.


It's times like these you need Brown to cheer you up:


And another:

Some might say I cocked up what seemed to be sure bet on first place - but I prefer to recognise the unselfish way I've ensured this competition finishes in the most exciting fashion possible. In fact the race to first in the inaugural Serie B comp is almost as exciting as this weekend's EPL finish for between Chelsea and Man Utd. It's not as exciting as this month's cover of Vanity Fair though:

Thug Life

I think it was Tupac who once said "I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself is life worth living should I blast myself?" And I have to admit I felt the same when I saw this weeks table. Albeit without the blasting myself part. Obviously I don't take fantasy football as seriously as Tupac did. Dinos and Tarts both creep up a bit, Kick It, Slippers and Wangs all slip down at bit. But no changes to the table. I wouldn't even bother looking at it if I was you.



Giving fantasy player to Tom Huddelstone. Normally I don't like to praise Sp*rs players. But his thunderbolt has made the fight for fourth place very exciting indeed. And I don't think his owner, Tony Danza, has had much of a mention on the blog so far this year. Better late than never, Keir.

Seeing as we're in our last week (and it's still neck and neck at the top in A liga), we might as well have a post on Thursday morning to recount the midweek action and make predictions for Sunday's blockbuster finish. Don't forget to set your teams for tonights games if you've Arsenal, Blackburn, Wigan or Hull players. Although if you do still have Hull players in your side, you should be ashamed. Except if you've got Jimmy Bullard. Because he's a funny little man. Here's a video of Jimmy leapfrogging the opposing keeper back in his wigan days on youtube. That's all for now. See you Thursday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMlWpGE0akw